I am a failure.
Well… Not at everything. I’m pretty good at binge-watching Netflix series, shaping my eyebrows, being judgemental about strangers, drinking gin and crying.
But I can’t do one particular thing – and it’s a key skillset I’m missing in my role as a comedian.
Now - I can wax lyrical about so MANY things.
Like – even something as simple as the humble condiment!
Someone might say to you - what do you feel like for dinner tonight? You might think.. Hmmm.. Maybe fish? Sausages? Curry? For me - if I'm asked, what do you feel like for dinner tonight? My answer is almost always ketchup. Maybe sweet chilli sauce, tartare sauce, or some kind of chutney if I’m feeling adventurous. But more often that not - it's ketchup.
I love ketchup. I love all condiments. Food is merely a vehicle by which I can ingest large quantities of condiments in a socially acceptable manner. I mean – have you experienced the nuanced flavour, texture and aroma of Sainsbury’s own brand burger sauce? (a challenge to justify that one, as a vegetarian)
And you can find a way to have delicious condiments with every meal. An easy ketchup breakfast is obviously eggs on toast - but really - do you actually need the eggs? Isn't ketchup on toast just a simple bruschetta? (Is cheesy beans on toast not essentially a British Pizza?)
See? 169 words on condiments.
But you know what I CAN’T wax lyrical about?
I find it A B S O L U T E L Y excruciating having to try and sell myself, or plug my shows. It causes me to blush, and my buttocks to clench in a way that makes me 1 full inch higher if sitting down. I don't like spamming my friends on Facebook, or followers on Twitter, and agonise over every post which might be seen as annoying self promotion or “look at me! look at me!” attention seeking, although let’s be honest, that’s all my actual job is.
I guess this is my round-about way of saying …
PLEASE come to my show “Julia Sutherland is World’s Best Dad” next Friday, the 25th March at 7.15pm in Yesbar?
*dies a little inside*