Glasgow Comedy Festival

Keiron Nicholson: How To Select What To Watch On Netflix

 

First decide whether you want to watch Netflix or go outside.
What's outside: opportunity? You're so naive.
Load Netflix.
Use a cheeky wee VPN to convince Netflix you are in a better country, like Canada. 
Not only will this raise your self-esteem and give you a reason to put maple syrup on everything, you'll be able to sample the much broader range of movies available to Canadians, such as the twelve secret Mighty Ducks sequels and Canadian Tron.
Click. You've done it. You're 'Canadian' now. The authorities will already be looking for you. Better make this count.
"Meow." 
Was that you? 
No. You don't say that.
Put the cat outside: he is covered in maple syrup and furious. Defuse the tension with a joke about a "sticky situation". He loves that shit.
Now it's time to select what to watch on Netflix.
Spend a few minutes pretending you're going to watch the 1948 Italian neorealist classic The Bicycle Thief. 
(pic: The Bicycle Thief)
Feel it out; sit with it. Roll it around your mouth.
"What have you recently done?"
"I watched the 1948 Italian neorealist classic The Bicycle Thief, though you might know it by its original title, Ladri di Biciclette."
"You seem very interesting: I'm glad you came to the party. Would you like a miniature cupcake in the shape of Shami Chakrabarti?"
Admit to yourself you're just going to watch The Shawshank Redemption again.
(pic: The Shawshank Redemption)
Say out loud: "I am going to watch The Shawshank Redemption because I am my truest and most complete self." 
This will raise your self-esteem again.
Click on the movie. 
Netflix is down.
Roll the cat in glitter.
Watch porn.
Keiron Nicholson: Traps is at The Griffin on March 22nd. Doors 7:30pm, show 8pm. Tickets: £4/£3. 
(pic: Question Mark pic)
(The show has nothing to do with any of this, so if you haven't enjoyed it you are ideally placed to come.)

First decide whether you want to watch Netflix or go outside.

What's outside: opportunity? You're so naive.

Load Netflix.

Use a cheeky wee VPN to convince Netflix you are in a better country, like Canada. 

Not only will this raise your self-esteem and give you a reason to put maple syrup on everything, you'll be able to sample the much broader range of movies available to Canadians, such as the twelve secret Mighty Ducks sequels and Canadian Tron.

Click. You've done it. You're 'Canadian' now. The authorities will already be looking for you. Better make this count.

"Meow." 

Was that you? 

No. You don't say that.

Put the cat outside: he is covered in maple syrup and furious. Defuse the tension with a joke about a "sticky situation". He loves that shit.

Now it's time to select what to watch on Netflix.

Spend a few minutes pretending you're going to watch the 1948 Italian neorealist classic The Bicycle Thief. 

Feel it out; sit with it. Roll it around your mouth.

"What have you recently done?"

"I watched the 1948 Italian neorealist classic The Bicycle Thief, though you might know it by its original title, Ladri di Biciclette."

"You seem very interesting: I'm glad you came to the party. Would you like a miniature cupcake in the shape of Shami Chakrabarti?"

Admit to yourself you're just going to watch The Shawshank Redemption again.

Say out loud: "I am going to watch The Shawshank Redemption because I am my truest and most complete self." 

This will raise your self-esteem again.

Click on the movie. 

Netflix is down.

Roll the cat in glitter.

Watch porn.

 

Keiron Nicholson: Traps is at The Griffin on March 22nd. Doors 7:30pm, show 8pm. Tickets: £4/£3. 

(The show has nothing to do with any of this, so if you haven't enjoyed it you are ideally placed to come.)