Glasgow Comedy Festival

DAPHNA BARAM - LEARN HOW TO BLOODY QUEUE! AND... WHAT ELSE?

 

We’ve learned to list the wives of Henry the 8th, we know all about youth courts in Scotland, and can tell the theme music of East Enders from that of Coronation Street, but would that do? The British people trust the government to decide what do immigrants need to know in order to stay in this country - but do you really trust them to ask the right questions? 
Do you really want a neighbour who knows the date of the Battle of Hastings but can’t make a decent cup of tea?
Can you work with a colleague who can name three towns in Lancashire but doesn’t understand how the rounds system works down at the pub.
 
Can you be mates with a chap who knows exactly what the Spanish Armada is but can’t explain the offside rule?
Can you date a person who knows exactly what Christmas is all about but can’t drink a can of IRN Bru and stay alive?
While writing my show Something To Declare which is all about the Life in the UK test I had to take last year in order to stay in this country, I kept asking British people: “What do you want immigrants to know before they can settle in this country? What would you taste them on?” I only ever managed to get one answer: “Learn how to bloody queue!”
I did not quite manage to convince him that where I come from a triangle queue if perfectly legitimate. 
I’d love you to come and see the show, and I’d also love it if you could tweet me @missdcomedy and let me know what you think immigrants should be asked in the’ Life In The UK’ test. Let me, and the government, know what really counts! Looking forward to seeing you on Easter Sunday! (See? I’ve learned!). 

We’ve learned to list the wives of Henry the 8th, we know all about youth courts in Scotland, and can tell the theme music of East Enders from that of Coronation Street, but would that do? The British people trust the government to decide what do immigrants need to know in order to stay in this country - but do you really trust them to ask the right questions? 


Do you really want a neighbour who knows the date of the Battle of Hastings but can’t make a decent cup of tea?


Can you work with a colleague who can name three towns in Lancashire but doesn’t understand how the rounds system works down at the pub. Can you be mates with a chap who knows exactly what the Spanish Armada is but can’t explain the offside rule?


Can you date a person who knows exactly what Christmas is all about but can’t drink a can of IRN Bru and stay alive?


While writing my show Something To Declare which is all about the 'Life in the UK' test I had to take last year in order to stay in this country, I kept asking British people: “What do you want immigrants to know before they can settle in this country? What would you taste them on?” I only ever managed to get one answer: “Learn how to bloody queue!”


I did not quite manage to convince him that where I come from a triangle queue if perfectly legitimate. 


I’d love you to come and see the show, and I’d also love it if you could tweet me @missdcomedy and let me know what you think immigrants should be asked in the’ Life In The UK’ test. Let me, and the government, know what really counts! Looking forward to seeing you on Easter Sunday! (See? I’ve learned!). 

www.missd.co.uk

Daphna Baram, Comedian (Facebook) 

Daphna’s show Something To Declare is on at Yesbar, 27 March, 3.30pm. Click HERE for more info.