I genuinely thought I loved my kids more than anything, and then I remembered the first two Die Hard movies.
It is not 'cool' for one of my children to tie a fire hose around their waist and jump off Nakatomi Plaza in Century City. I found out. You can totally do that in Die Hard.
In Die Hard 2 you can take a wee rest on an escalator after some tiring shooting of dudes. My kids’ shoelaces would get dragged under.
During Die Hard 2, Colonel Stewart can do naked martial arts sparring in PEACE. My kids ruin this every Tuesday night for me.
Running fast and shooting dudes with machine guns requires some co-ordination. My oldest kid pokes himself in the eye with a fork if he is watching TV whilst eating his dinner.
I try to have serious conversations with my kids about flushing the toilet - not possible. Die Hard 2 is full of serious conversations, much like this one.
Smoking is cool. Die Hard proves this. I leave my kids a SINGLE draw of one cigarette and all hell breaks loose with social services.
I had a nosebleed and my kids’ mother refused to kiss me for rest of the day. Die Hard 2 shows that you can be covered in blood and your kids’ mother CAN kiss you.
A German man once held my wife hostage and the kids were VERY upset, naturally. Die Hard? It’s no big deal - you just shoot him.
I gave my kids a lighter to help in situations like this and they blew it. Only one eyebrow between them now. Die Hard shows you how it’s done.
Finding out Santa Claus had let himself go and been killed was very stressful for my kids. In Die Hard, it’s a light hearted moment to ease the tension.
Ross Leslie 'Diary Of A Wimpy Man' is on at Yesbar, 27th March 2016, at 10.30pm. Tickets cost £4 and can be purchased here.