The American comedian WC Fields once said 'Never work with animals or children'. He was almost right. If he’d had a twin brother he’d have added 'Never work with your twin brother! Never! EVER!'
The first time I met my twin, Andrew, it didn't end well... for him.
Our first project together was our birth. I was born first, but when Andrew popped out, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and was slowly strangling him. He claims this was attempted murder and that I’d tried to strangle him in the womb. While I say I didn’t do it, I have to admit that anyone trapped for nine months in a confined space with him would have wanted to kill him too.
The first time we performed comedy together didn't end well... for him.
We wanted to prove twins were telepathic. I’d invite an audience member on stage, give them a rolled up newspaper and, while I looked away, ask them to hit my brother. I would then use my ‘telepathic powers’ to ‘guess’ where he'd been hit.
All this game proved was:
a) Twins are not telepathic;
b) Rolled up newspapers hurt; and
c) Never trust the general public.
Andrew quit our double act after a particularly vicious whack in the balls. He was whacked so hard I was worried I'd lost a twin brother and gained a twin sister.
The last time we worked together didn't end well... for him.
Last year we wrote a comedy book about the Scottish referendum: 'The Fat Minister’s Question Time'. This led to opportunities for my brother to work with one side of the campaign, to support Eddie Izzard and to appear weekly on BBC Radio Scotland. This worked out well for me as I'd write jokes and he'd tell them.
Unfortunately, one of those jokes didn't go down well with some campaigners and led to online threats - although they were very polite. One troll stated at the end of a tirade of abuse 'I can't believe you have the intelligence to write a book... although it is surprisingly well priced', which was nice - at least trolls recognise a bargain when they see one.
So, this time for the Glasgow International Comedy Festival we’d (mainly he'd) like to avoid violence and threats. Instead we’re performing a show based on football and music. What could possibly go wrong when discussing football songs in Glasgow?