Glasgow Comedy Festival

Blog: 'Beardwatching' by Charlie Ralph & Scott Redmond

You've heard of a stand-up desk, but stand-up comedy? Charlie Ralph and Scott Redmond spent four months planning and constructing an ornate oak desk, only to realise that the Glasgow International Comedy Festival is a comedy festival and not a woodworking roadshow.

They tried putting the desk behind a microphone for an hour, but found it to be marginally less funny than them. So instead they wrote a comedy show featuring jokes, poems, chupacabras, horses walking into bars, fish impersonations, banjo playing and the national anthem of comedy.

To publicise their show, they asked members of the public about their feelings on Scott Redmond, Charlie Ralph and the show Beardwatching. They all probably had better things to do.

What are your feelings on Scott Redmond and Charlie Ralph?

Older Man: "I've never heard of them."

Confused Woman: "None because I can't verify their existence."

Kathryn O'Brien: "Scott Redmond and Charlie Ralph? You look like a Charlie. They are two well-dressed chipmunks."

What aren't your feelings on Scott Redmond and Charlie Ralph?

Madeleine Hall: "All of the things."

Confused Woman: "Interesting concern."

Kathryn O'Brien: "Pineapples."

If you had to describe Scott Redmond and Charlie Ralph in five words, what words would you pick?

Kieran Firstname and Connel Lastname: "No idea, have no clue."

Madeleine Hall: "Mysterious, Intriguing, Human, Funny, Male."

Kathryn O'Brien: "Red, Savoury, Grass, Unholy, Erm...."

Which one of them has the better beard?

Older Man: "Charlie."

Those Twins from The Shining: "Scott."

Confused Woman: "Neither because I don't know their gender."

Which one of them has the better soul?

Older Man: "Charlie."

Those Twins from The Shining: "Charlie."

Confused Woman: "Define a soul. Whichever could kill a small animal."

If you could be any kind of sandwich, how would you feel about the state of stand-up comedy in the UK?

Confused Woman: "As a sandwich, I have no opinion other than a desire not to be eaten."

Those Twins from The Shining: "I like sandwiches."

Kathryn O'Brien: "You'd feel brioche."

What do you prefer, a full-english breakfast or democracy?

Madeleine Hall: "Definitely the breakfast."

Kieran Firstname and Connel Lastname: "I feel that there are too many miscounted votes, so the breakfast."

Confused Woman: "If there are tomatoes in the breakfast then democracy. No tomatoes? All up in dat breakfast."

Lastly, would you recommend the stand-up comedy show Charlie Ralph and Scott Redmond: Beardwatching?

Kathryn's Disgruntled Friend: "Yes."

Madeleine Hall: "Yes, definitely!"

Older Man: "Charlie."

Charlie Ralph and Scott Redmond were approached for comment, but were uninterested in responding. To prove that these are real answers, they would have photgraphed them. However, a picture is worth a thousand words and they only had 600.

Scott Redmond & Charlie Ralph: Beardwatching is at the Old Hairdressers, Sunday 22 March at 8pm - book your tickets online or call our box office on 0844 873 7353.